Five days since my last post.  I had horrendous day last Thursday, it was one thing after another for me.  At one point, I came to do another post just to try to get away from it all.  My very kind and thoughtful husband (truly he is) left the box of See chocolates that we had received from his parents the night before sitting on the piano.  All day long they beckoned to me.  But I couldn't eat open the box because then he would know my dirty little secret.  I'm not 100% sugar free after all.  What if he came home a saw that I had in fact managed to down an entire box of chocolates (I'm only predicting what would have happened).  Maybe I could open them and say that my 4 yr old son had insisted on having one and I gave in.  And then I ended up giving him seven, because really that is what I would have had to say.  There is no way that I would have opened that box and eaten only one.  No way.  I didn't end up having the chocolates and ended up telling my husband about my evil plan but it was really hard.  Really hard.  No, seriously, really hard.  Just drink some water.  Yeah right.  Wait 10 mins, the craving will go away.  Yeah right.  Stare longingly at the box and want to cry.  Yeah, that's about right.

I am an emotional eater.  Hands down, you name an emotion and I will always associate it with a desire to indulge.  "What a great day!  Let's celebrate!"  "Today was horrible, I need something now."  "I could strangle someone right now!  I need some chocolate."  Happiness, sadness, anger, irritation, stress, you name it, I'm there.  I was having a very emotional conversation once with my husband that involved a lot of tears and he said to me "honey, please go get a blizzard".  That is how I roll.  Food can alleviate almost anything, at least temporarily.  But that's the problem, I feel relief and then something else happens.  I feel tired or I feel cranky or I get to the point that all I can think about it eating something yummy.  I'm literally thinking about where or how I'm going to get my fix about 70% of the time.  That can't be a good thing.  Who needs to have that be their focus in life?  Everyone knows that drug addicts do that, everyone knows that drug addicts will do anything for a fix, but sugar?  Really?  Ok, so I wouldn't go out and kill someone, I wouldn't rob a store just to get cash to buy something, but I would feel ashamed and hide just how much junk I eat from my family and friends.  I would finish off the last 6 brownies knowing that my kids will have spent the entire day thinking about that yummy leftover from last nights celebration.  That has happened too many times to count or admit to.  It's sad and pathetic and it's what a sugar addict does.  Will we ultimately be the downfall of society?  Of course not, but will we disappoint those closest to us?  Yes, and probably on a regular basis.  I guess I shouldn't say "we".  I actually have never had conversations with a sugar addict and asked them the worst thing they have done and how they have rationalized it.  Maybe I'm the only what that does that.  But even still, knowing that it's because of sugar is why I couldn't bring myself to open that blasted box of chocolates.  Instead I reached in the freezer and had about 5 chocolate chips.  And that was that.  To be honest, I don't like semi sweet chocolate chips by themselves, I'm not a dark chocolate fan and they don't leave me wanting more so I was hoping that was a safe solution.  And it did end up being a safe solution but I still gave in to feeding that emotional want.  Bit by bit, any progress is good, I just have to keep telling myself that.  I have to keep working on what works and what doesn't. 

22 days into it and it does in some ways seem to be getting easier.  As I said, I'm not perfect.  I would like to be but I'm just not there yet and I need to be ok with that.

 

I use Yahoo as my homepage and I thought it was very appropriate when I got on my computer and there on the daily articles was this article.

http://shine.yahoo.com/author-blog-posts/5-surprising-signs-youre-sugar-addict-204200194.html#!lyuvJ

The attention line was "do you have a sugar addiction?"  And I thought, why yes, yes I do and for some reason some people don't believe me.  I can feel the doubt in their voice, I can tell they are thinking "isn't that a little over the top?  Honestly, couldn't you just cut down on your sugar consumption?  Do you really have to say no to it all the time?"  The biggest problem I have faced over the years of trying to cut it out sugar is the fear of "offending" someone.  I feel like a lot of people look very skeptically at a sugar addiction.  They wonder how it could possibly hurt to just eat it that one time.  I guess in the end, we do what is best for us and really just have to set aside what everyone else thinks.

I thought overall this article was pretty good, it made me feel validated in my idea that I have an actual addiction.  I will say that as I search the internet for various ideas and supporting data, I tend to get a little overwhelmed and depressed.  Sometimes, the suggestions for how to "kick" the addiction feels like too much.  Avoiding artificial sweeteners is no problem.  I grew up with a dad who thought they were very evil (I have to agree) and so I almost never ate them as a kid and now I can't stand the taste.  It is a little tempting to get past the taste so that I can have that sweet taste in my mouth but in the end it's not much of a temptation at all.  Avoiding carbs - now that is a different story.  That would mean that now I not only can't have sugar but now I can't have breads or white rice or potatoes either.  Really?  That just feels unrealistic for me personally.  I agree that I do find myself wanting those things more when I'm not eating sugar and there are times when it is easy to overdo it with them also but man, I just can't fathom giving up that much all at once.  My daughter has celiac and in support of her, I have given up gluten but we still have breads, mainly at breakfast for things like muffins, pancakes and waffles.  A rice flour mixture is a pretty close second to wheat flour so we make it work.  And rice and potatoes are now a huge part of our diet because of the gluten thing.  I don't know, I just don't think I could do it.  Not now anyway. 

I read something yesterday that said you should give us dairy as well.  Wow, that would be super hard.  With all the info out there, I end up feeling like what I'm doing is not enough and why bother but then I remind myself that at least it is something.  At least it's progress, anyway I think it is.  I probably consume more fat now but the reality is that I know that I have a problem with sugar.  I think my personal body doesn't handle it the same way other bodies do.  I think we each have to listen to our own bodies and try to figure out what is best for us. 

Some people swear by a gluten free diet, it is the best thing they ever did for themselves!  I have been doing it now for almost 2 years and I have lost no weight and don't see any difference in how I feel.  I didn't give up gluten for those reasons so it doesn't matter to me but my point is that for some not eating gluten makes them feel amazing.  For me, that thing is sugar.  I know I feel better without it.  And even if I'm not entirely cutting it out, at least I'm not binging on it anymore.  I have to feel good about some progress even though sometimes it feels like not enough.

I did the one day.  For the most part it wasn't too bad.  I really wanted something in the afternoon, as I usually do, but managed to just drink water and keep going.  There have been a million times that the "just drink water instead" didn't work at all.  For the most part I think it is a crock.  Just drink water or wait 10 mins and the craving will go away.  I hate those two things, particularly if I am experiencing PMS at the time.  Those intense cravings don't just go away because some time has passed or because my belly felt full for a few mins after drinking a glass of water.  But for whatever reason, yesterday it seemed to work ok.  Or maybe it just worked because I knew that I wasn't going to have anything and so I knew the glass of water was all I had to work with.  I guess all these little tricks only work if you are determined to not do it, the only thing they accomplish is they can sometimes make it a little easier if you know you aren't going to give in.  I don't think that they in any way replace that sugar fix.  Ever.

I had forgotten that I was going out with a friend at night and thought, darn, why did I commit for today?  Couldn't I have waited until tomorrow, I would sure love some ice cream tonight?  See, that is the problem with a sugar addiction.  I have had people say to me, just eat a treat on special occasions.  You have to have it on Christmas!  And what about Halloween, and Thanksgiving and your birthday?!?  Everyone is very concerned that I won't get to have a treat on that "special" occasion and I have to wonder why.  Is it because they want to eat the treats themselves without feeling guilty?  Is it because they wonder if they should be off sugar as well?  I truly believe that not everyone has to cut out sugar.  I think there are a lot of people that do just fine moderating it.  Unfortunately, I am not one of them so why can't I just not participate and have it be my thing and no one else has to worry about it?  I do understand their reasoning, if I just had treats just on those special days, then it wouldn't really be a big deal.  And I agree, I wouldn't have a problem with sugar if I only ate on select occasions.  But for a sugar addict, Christmas and Halloween and Thanksgiving soon turns into Easter and New Years and all family members birthdays and what about that great BBQ for Memorial Day and "here mom, I made a special dessert, will you please try some?" and on and on and on.  Just like last night.  It would have been easy for me to say "I never go out with friends, of course I should have a treat tonight, this is definitely a special occasion".  And before I know it, I'm looking for and creating special occasion just so that I can eat a treat.  I know this because I have experienced it.  I'm not just speculating  about what may happen, I have literally tried a hundred different ways to moderate treats and guess what?  None of them have worked.  The only thing I have ever been successful at is cutting it out entirely.  I just have never committed to that for life and so I always go back.

It's hard because I would love to participate in the love of all things sweet especially at big gatherings but the reality is that I have tried and it just doesn't work.  It never works.  In the end, I always end up right back to where I started, which consists of me eating 90% sugar and 10% other stuff.  That is not an exaggeration, there have been many days that by the end of the day, my body is literally screaming for something savory because it has only been loaded with sugar all day.  So you see, that is why I can't allow myself to eat a treat on that "special occasion".  Sorry if for some reason that ruins the occasion for you.

I sat down to write about my first week with no sugar and realized it has now been 2 weeks.  Wow, that went fast, maybe because it hasn't exactly gone as planned.  I have gone "off" sugar many times in my life but once I go back to eating it, I more than make up for lost time so I finally decided that it just didn't work.  However, because I have such an unhealthy relationship with sugar I had to ultimately decide to go off for life.  My husband is always very curious (and frankly skeptical) about what it means to not eat sugar.  "Are you not going to eat fruit?  Fruit has sugar." "What about juice, will you be drinking juice?"  "So you can have syrup on your pancake but not the cookie?"  and so on.  It's not that he doesn't want to support me, he just is a bit analytical and probably wants to know if he would be better off going without sugar.  He wouldn't.  Sure everyone could eat less sugar, but he has a stopping point.  I don't.  Mine is, gee I feel so sick, this no longer tastes good to me.  But wait, if I just finish it off, then I won't have to think about it.  That makes sense, eat so much that you don't even like it and then keep eating it.  I know.  We need to break up.

So how has the first 2 weeks gone?  I honestly thought I had it.  No biggie, I'll cut it out, my body will be free of it so I won't constantly crave it, no problem.  Decision done, I won't even have to think about it.  Except that didn't happen.  My family thinks it did.  Only I know my dirty little secret.  The secret that I have snuck a few bites here and there.  That even though I thought I could have Nutella in the house and not want it at all, that was in fact not true.  Twice now, I have given into the urge to have Nutella and pretzels.  What has surprised me though is that typically if I gave in, that was it for me.  I've tried and failed and I may as well go all out now.  No, I didn't stop at one pretzel w/ Nutella but the good news is that I stopped at 5 instead of 25.  Yes, I did have an iced coffee that is loaded with sugar.  Yes, I did completely give in yesterday when I went to the store and bought brownies and ate them.  However, I threw away almost all of them away and only ate the equivalent of one generous  piece.  The point is, that it is progress.  The reality is though that I really do in fact need to just cut it out of my life.  I wish that I could moderate it and even though I have managed to the last 2 weeks, there is no doubt in my mind that that is a slippery slope for me. 

So what am I going to do?  I have no idea.  I would like to say that I'm done, I'm ready, I'm hitting the ground running.  Except...that is what I said 2 weeks ago.  I'm not sure how this is going to play out.  I think for today, I'm going to commit to doing no sugar just for today.  And tomorrow morning I'll decide how it will go for tomorrow.  I wish I could say that I know I could do this, that I'm tired of living my life, irritable, tired, sluggish, always looking for my next fix and wondering how and where I'm going to get it.  But I don't know if I'm there yet.  Isn't that really what it takes in the end?  Just getting so fed up with our problems that we just eliminate them and never want them back?  I kind of think it is.  I guess for now, I'll take it a day at a time and see how it goes.  I would hate to do that for 10 days and then wake up and decide, nope, today is the day that I will go have a brownie again.  And the reason I would hate that is because now, when I'm so close to ridding myself of the intense cravings, I bring myself right back to square one.  Bring it back today, don't get worked up about something that is going to happen in 10 days.  Maybe that won't happen, maybe it will but for now all I can do it think about today.  Today.  Today.  Just keep thinking today.

For as long as I can remember, I have loved sugar.  I'm sure there were times when my parents used it as a reward although I can't pinpoint any particular time.  They did however take it away as a punishment a couple of times.  I don't think that is why I am a sugar addict.  At one point, my dad banned chocolate from the house.  Not sugar, but chocolate.  And with no explanation.  I remember my teenager sister, who didn't really ever spend time in the kitchen, going in one day to make one of her few specialties - no bake cookies.  Boy did that cause a ruckus. 

I asked my dad once why he banned chocolate.  He said he just couldn't control himself if chocolate was around, he always just ate too much.  While that made sense to me as to why he didn't want it around, it didn't make sense to make all the rest of us suffer.  Now that I am a mother myself, I'm sure he was just hoping to give us a more positive relationship with chocolate than he had himself.  But did that approach work?  In the end, no.

My father was also very strict with TV time.  We lived in a small community where even rabbit ears didn't work.  If you put a large antenna on your roof, you could get a few fuzzy channels.  So if we wanted network TV, that meant only one option, a satellite.  Not the Dish Network kind that attaches to your roof but a big 20 ft disc that sits in your yard that you have to crank by hand to change to a different set of channels.   We had that for a while but ultimately it was donated to a church.  That left us with only VHS tapes.  And that was limited to 2 movies a week - 2 movies that the 4 of us still at home had to agree upon because we had only one TV.  We didn't have a computer, let alone a smart phone, tablet or any other sort of electronic device.  We weren't even allowed an Atari. 

I often wonder if this restrictive environment is what led to my addictive personality.  The idea that if you can't have something, it becomes so much more appealing.  But really who knows?  If I had grown up in an entirely different household, I would probably still have a sugar addiction.  Sometimes I think we are hardwired for certain things and no amount of environmental influence can change it.  Maybe stave it off for a bit, maybe lesson it, but not change it.  It is just in our genetic makeup.  Which then means that instead of certain things just not being an issue like they are for some people, they are an issue for us an we have to find ways to deal with them.  That is sugar for me.  I know I have an unhealthy relationship with sugar and I know we need to break up.  I'm terrified to do it though.