Five days since my last post.  I had horrendous day last Thursday, it was one thing after another for me.  At one point, I came to do another post just to try to get away from it all.  My very kind and thoughtful husband (truly he is) left the box of See chocolates that we had received from his parents the night before sitting on the piano.  All day long they beckoned to me.  But I couldn't eat open the box because then he would know my dirty little secret.  I'm not 100% sugar free after all.  What if he came home a saw that I had in fact managed to down an entire box of chocolates (I'm only predicting what would have happened).  Maybe I could open them and say that my 4 yr old son had insisted on having one and I gave in.  And then I ended up giving him seven, because really that is what I would have had to say.  There is no way that I would have opened that box and eaten only one.  No way.  I didn't end up having the chocolates and ended up telling my husband about my evil plan but it was really hard.  Really hard.  No, seriously, really hard.  Just drink some water.  Yeah right.  Wait 10 mins, the craving will go away.  Yeah right.  Stare longingly at the box and want to cry.  Yeah, that's about right.

I am an emotional eater.  Hands down, you name an emotion and I will always associate it with a desire to indulge.  "What a great day!  Let's celebrate!"  "Today was horrible, I need something now."  "I could strangle someone right now!  I need some chocolate."  Happiness, sadness, anger, irritation, stress, you name it, I'm there.  I was having a very emotional conversation once with my husband that involved a lot of tears and he said to me "honey, please go get a blizzard".  That is how I roll.  Food can alleviate almost anything, at least temporarily.  But that's the problem, I feel relief and then something else happens.  I feel tired or I feel cranky or I get to the point that all I can think about it eating something yummy.  I'm literally thinking about where or how I'm going to get my fix about 70% of the time.  That can't be a good thing.  Who needs to have that be their focus in life?  Everyone knows that drug addicts do that, everyone knows that drug addicts will do anything for a fix, but sugar?  Really?  Ok, so I wouldn't go out and kill someone, I wouldn't rob a store just to get cash to buy something, but I would feel ashamed and hide just how much junk I eat from my family and friends.  I would finish off the last 6 brownies knowing that my kids will have spent the entire day thinking about that yummy leftover from last nights celebration.  That has happened too many times to count or admit to.  It's sad and pathetic and it's what a sugar addict does.  Will we ultimately be the downfall of society?  Of course not, but will we disappoint those closest to us?  Yes, and probably on a regular basis.  I guess I shouldn't say "we".  I actually have never had conversations with a sugar addict and asked them the worst thing they have done and how they have rationalized it.  Maybe I'm the only what that does that.  But even still, knowing that it's because of sugar is why I couldn't bring myself to open that blasted box of chocolates.  Instead I reached in the freezer and had about 5 chocolate chips.  And that was that.  To be honest, I don't like semi sweet chocolate chips by themselves, I'm not a dark chocolate fan and they don't leave me wanting more so I was hoping that was a safe solution.  And it did end up being a safe solution but I still gave in to feeding that emotional want.  Bit by bit, any progress is good, I just have to keep telling myself that.  I have to keep working on what works and what doesn't. 

22 days into it and it does in some ways seem to be getting easier.  As I said, I'm not perfect.  I would like to be but I'm just not there yet and I need to be ok with that.