I sat down to write about my first week with no sugar and realized it has now been 2 weeks.  Wow, that went fast, maybe because it hasn't exactly gone as planned.  I have gone "off" sugar many times in my life but once I go back to eating it, I more than make up for lost time so I finally decided that it just didn't work.  However, because I have such an unhealthy relationship with sugar I had to ultimately decide to go off for life.  My husband is always very curious (and frankly skeptical) about what it means to not eat sugar.  "Are you not going to eat fruit?  Fruit has sugar." "What about juice, will you be drinking juice?"  "So you can have syrup on your pancake but not the cookie?"  and so on.  It's not that he doesn't want to support me, he just is a bit analytical and probably wants to know if he would be better off going without sugar.  He wouldn't.  Sure everyone could eat less sugar, but he has a stopping point.  I don't.  Mine is, gee I feel so sick, this no longer tastes good to me.  But wait, if I just finish it off, then I won't have to think about it.  That makes sense, eat so much that you don't even like it and then keep eating it.  I know.  We need to break up.

So how has the first 2 weeks gone?  I honestly thought I had it.  No biggie, I'll cut it out, my body will be free of it so I won't constantly crave it, no problem.  Decision done, I won't even have to think about it.  Except that didn't happen.  My family thinks it did.  Only I know my dirty little secret.  The secret that I have snuck a few bites here and there.  That even though I thought I could have Nutella in the house and not want it at all, that was in fact not true.  Twice now, I have given into the urge to have Nutella and pretzels.  What has surprised me though is that typically if I gave in, that was it for me.  I've tried and failed and I may as well go all out now.  No, I didn't stop at one pretzel w/ Nutella but the good news is that I stopped at 5 instead of 25.  Yes, I did have an iced coffee that is loaded with sugar.  Yes, I did completely give in yesterday when I went to the store and bought brownies and ate them.  However, I threw away almost all of them away and only ate the equivalent of one generous  piece.  The point is, that it is progress.  The reality is though that I really do in fact need to just cut it out of my life.  I wish that I could moderate it and even though I have managed to the last 2 weeks, there is no doubt in my mind that that is a slippery slope for me. 

So what am I going to do?  I have no idea.  I would like to say that I'm done, I'm ready, I'm hitting the ground running.  Except...that is what I said 2 weeks ago.  I'm not sure how this is going to play out.  I think for today, I'm going to commit to doing no sugar just for today.  And tomorrow morning I'll decide how it will go for tomorrow.  I wish I could say that I know I could do this, that I'm tired of living my life, irritable, tired, sluggish, always looking for my next fix and wondering how and where I'm going to get it.  But I don't know if I'm there yet.  Isn't that really what it takes in the end?  Just getting so fed up with our problems that we just eliminate them and never want them back?  I kind of think it is.  I guess for now, I'll take it a day at a time and see how it goes.  I would hate to do that for 10 days and then wake up and decide, nope, today is the day that I will go have a brownie again.  And the reason I would hate that is because now, when I'm so close to ridding myself of the intense cravings, I bring myself right back to square one.  Bring it back today, don't get worked up about something that is going to happen in 10 days.  Maybe that won't happen, maybe it will but for now all I can do it think about today.  Today.  Today.  Just keep thinking today.